Training Your Toddler – Taming Negativity
April 3, 2008
by Bev Mueffelmann
So, how do we walk out great expectations for our toddlers so that they can become terrific teens? First of all, we need to expect more of them than we think we can. Every child needs to have a sense of belonging to the family and the best way to engender that sense of belonging is to engage them in helping around the house whenever possible. It takes longer to get things done for a season, but ultimately, we will be helping ourselves in the long-run. A sense of accomplishment in a job well done goes a long way toward building a positive foundation in a child’s life.
For example, our children all began walking by the time they were nine months old. So by the time they were one year old, we helped them learn to pick up their own toys and put them away at the end of each day before bed. They saw it as a game and before they were old enough to tell us “no”, it was a well-established bedtime routine. (There are a lot of tasks that fall into this category. If you can establish a healthy habit or routine before your child is old enough to object – do it!) We always clapped for them when they were done and they loved it! Their expectation became that when they finished a task well, we would clap for them. This expression of our approval became our children’s favorite form of positive reinforcement throughout their early childhood years.
Another way to decrease negativity before it strikes is to strike the word “no” from our own vocabulary as much as possible. Is it any wonder that a toddler spouts “no” so often after hearing it incessantly from our own lips? Obviously, there are many situations in a toddler’s life in which a firm or urgent “no” is absolutely necessary, e.g. when they are in physical danger. But I believe that we parents are too careless about our word choices with our children. I’ve heard it called the “idiot no.”
An idiot “no” is one that slips out of our mouth as a matter of habit before we even think about whether we really mean “no” or not. For example, if my toddler asks me for a cookie before lunch, I could choose to automatically say “no.” Or, if I thought about it for two seconds longer, I would realize that I really don’t mean “no”, I just mean “not now.” My alternative, positive statement could be “Yes, you may have a cookie after you eat all of your lunch.” With these words I have communicated my true meaning and have given my child a reason to be hopeful instead of discouraging her.
I believe that most “terrible two” misbehaviors are simply expressions of a child’s frustration and discouragement. During toddlerhood, it’s helpful to be in tune with our children’s feelings and to help them learn to identify their emotions. When we see our child becoming frustrated, we can say, “I see that you’re feeling frustrated because you can’t do this yourself. Can Mommy help you?” As a result, our child is encouraged because we are being sensitive to his feelings and we are training him to identify his own emotions at the same time. Our child will also sense that we are with him and for him instead of feeling as though we are against him.
Overall, whenever we can choose to be positive instead of negative with our children, we will be building a strong foundation that will help us all weather the storms of parenthood and childhood. Next month we’ll explore how to apply these principles to early childhood in order to continue the process of building toward terrific teen years.
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Bev I needed this today.. Thanks for your encouragement to rethink how we respond.
LL