Content to Bargain

My eyes would fill with tears every time this question surfaced in my mind.
I had thought about this more times than I could count. I had even discussed it with my counselor. And still it just hung in the air… unresolved… unsettled.

Then one day I made a bargain with God. I would accept what I knew to be the Gospel. I would accept the fact that HE is God, all by Himself. He brought my husband into this world and He took him out. As I allowed this thought to gel in my mind I could see Ruben standing at the edge of glory, being drawn toward heaven; earth and all it had to offer could no longer hold him. As I made the bargain the following scene played in my head.

I always gave them some time alone, my husband and his mom. That is, you see, I promised her the night we were married, that I would not take him from her. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn’t have made that promise. Maybe, if I had responded instead, “The Bible says, a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife;” he would still be on this earth and maybe, if, NO! I reminded myself. God is sovereign! He is the creator and the master of the universe and He decides life and death.

However, I was always aware of a very strong bond between my husband and his mother. Many times I would walk to the car and leave them to chat over the gate; she leaning on one side, he on the other. It always made me smile. Mother and eldest son drawn together by more than just birth; but a lifetime of trials, pain, tears and fears intertwined with years of happiness. They were a cookie cutter version of one other; she loved him deeply and was very proud to call him “son.”

I never quite figured out what the “edge” was in that relationship. But, I know there was a bond between them held together by a golden thread, sewn deeply into the fabric of their relationship. Could that thread have pulled my husband from life to death?

And that thread prevailed, she died six months and eight days before he did.
I remember as we left the cemetery that cold January day; he looked back at the gravesite and said,
“It just doesn’t feel right leaving her here.”
I responded, “Where would you like to take her?”
“Home with us,” he said.

I watched him grieve for months over her loss. Luther Vandross’ “To Dance With my Father Again” became his favorite song. Of course he sang, “ to dance with my mother again.”
I prayed and tried to give him understanding. But, after watching him attempt to dull the pain more often with alcohol, I suggested we seek the help of a Christian counselor and he was open to it.

The counselor was a Godsend. Through her soft-spoken guidance and obedience to God’s leading, we were able to see the beginnings of healing for him and I was blessed with a wealth of new understanding to the depth of his pain and the insecurities he suffered daily.

I prayed, fasted and sought God for a supernatural healing for my husband and the breaking of a generational curse.

As we headed into spring; I had a deeper understanding of unconditional love, and he had a window of enlightenment unto himself and the knowledge that loving your wife means also loving and taking care of yourself.

He had been visiting the local Cheers bar less frequently when the bilateral pneumonia walked into his lungs and he began the fight of his life. Or was it his surrender? Was it his way of reuniting with his mother? Had he found a way to talk over the fence for eternity in heaven?

I will never know the answer. But, for now I’m comforted by the thought- that on a bright, shiny August day, my husband closed his eyes for a simple procedure…. He caught a glimpse of his mother beckoning to him … he walked to the gate to chat…like he’d done so many times before. And as they stood there chatting…he caught a glimpse of glory and never came back!!!
The vision I have of them chatting over the fence- gate in glory makes me smile and gives me immeasurable peace.

Prayer: Father God, the one who holds the keys of life and death; I know you have a plan and a purpose for each life. You are Alpha and Omega! I praise you Lord that my husband enjoyed life to the fullest during his time here on earth. Thank you for allowing him to realize his worth in you. I praise you for our love and his mother’s love for her son.