The Water’s Edge: Realizing Depression
by Nora Neal-Daggett
We have been traversing the stages of grief for the last few months; denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance and depression. In retrospect I really don’t remember dealing with, what I would consider a true depression. I remember days shrouded with gray, but I was always aware of sunlight on the edges of the grayness. I recall significant heart pain, but I always felt as if God was holding the pieces of my broken heart in His hands.
And I remember feeling a s-l-o-w- heaviness as if I was wearing 50 pound steel boots…but thoughts of God pulling me forward, one moment at a time, moved me through each day.
Looking back, all these things are aspects of depression. I simply did see it as depression at the time! I was just moving through…”the valley of the shadow of death.” My focus was God. Because I knew no other way! God and God alone maneuvered me through each stage. I learned from others who had walked the course… and through HIS grace and HIS mercy continued my journey.
The following story written as I grappled with his loss on our wedding anniversary, two months after his death.
Drawn to the waters’ edge on what should have been our sixth wedding anniversary,
I look out over the immense ocean and my mind travels back to past visits to the seaside where we walked hand and hand along the shore. However, this time I’m here with my youngest son attempting to build new memories-like the experts said I should the first year of widowhood.
Looking back on our life together, I am reminded of how you always lavished me with gifts, trips and limo rides. Things that I thought were extravagant at the time, but I never said anything about the cost. I always felt really special and truly loved. These are the memories I cherish most.
You always lived each day to the fullest. Whatever you did you did it with gusto!
Did you really know you only had 51 years on this side of heaven?
Some days are easier than others and some are laced with tears. Crying takes on a life of it’s own and control of it is useless. I often praise God during the moments of spontaneous tears. The praising brings me out of the pit and helps me center on HIS sovereignty and my relationship with God. Knowing that all of these things, plus the love and hugs of truly good friends-have carried me through this storm.
I remember within the first few moments of your death, my shock was so profound, my grief so deep, that I thought, I, too, would surely die! Then, somewhere in the center of my being where God lives, I heard a voice say,
“It is well with my soul.” But the human part of me was screaming,
“IT IS NOT WELL!!!!”
My husband is gone and it is not well.
But, the inner voice just kept repeating,
“It is well with my soul; it is well with my soul.”
Oh, how I miss our walks along the shore, our arms around each other as we ran in and out of the waves. Or, flirting with you from a distance while I sat in the sun working on my tan and you sat under the umbrella reading a book. I miss our romantic seafood dinners at the “best” restaurants the area had to offer. But more than anything, I long for the warmth of your body next to mine and the feel of your hand on my neck.
Tears and sleepless nights have given way to acceptance and peace. And now I’m on the other side of your death. As I walk along the water’s edge, I am reminded of previous anniversaries… the salty air, the sand, and the crashing of the waves against the shore are a healing balm to my spirit.
The Lord God, Almighty, who holds the keys to heaven, life and death has given me a peace for my wounded soul just as He promised He would. I rest my life in His hands and claim the promise and the hope He has for my life.
Prayer: Lord, you are God all by yourself. You give life and you take life. I praise you for safe travel through one of the biggest, darkest storm seasons of my life.
Thank you for your healing presence and your promise of hope and a future.
Scripture: “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope. IN THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU PRAY I WILL LISTEN. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.” Jeremiah 29: 11, 12,13.NLT