Best Friends at Home
July 31, 2008
by Beverly Mueffelmann
When our children were very young, my husband’s aunt, uncle, and cousins came to visit our home outside Washington, DC. My husband’s cousins, an older sister and a younger brother, are significantly younger than he, so these children were in their teens at the time when we were in our late twenties. As we visited, we were very impressed with the fact that there seemed to be none of the standard sibling issues between them. In fact, they seemed to be very good friends despite being teenaged siblings of opposite gender and having just made a cross-country trip from Colorado in an unairconditioned car in the summer!
After marveling at their behavior toward one another, my husband asked his aunt how they had managed to raise their children to love and appreciate each other in this way. Her response, though unusual and somewhat morbid, was that they had told their children that they had better learn to be best friends, because when their parents died, they would be all each other had! We were a little taken aback at first, but when we saw the fruit of their words, we were sold!
Obviously, making this statement doesn’t automatically make siblings the best of friends, but following the statement with practical applications of “what it looks like” can make a difference. In reality, I believe that sibling rivalry exists only if parents allow it. If siblings feel the need to compete with one another or to treat one another unkindly, it is because there is a felt need to be met by it, either the need for parental attention or the need for raising self-esteem at the expense of another. Identifying the need and taking the appropriate steps to meet the need will usually correct the misbehavior.
So, what does it “look like”? If your children are saying unkind things to one another, instead of letting it slide by, say “In our house, we choose to encourage one another with our words. That doesn’t sound like you are encouraging your sister. Are you being encouraging or discouraging? How could you say it differently?” (The catch in this approach is that you better be careful that your own words to your husband and children are encouraging as well, or you might hear these same phrases directed back at you!) Instilling a sense of cooperation between your children is also helpful. Give your children tasks they must do together in order to succeed and praise them at each step with, “Wow! Look at how cooperation gets the job done so much faster. I’m really proud of both of you!” I bet your children will be asking you for jobs that they can do together if these are the words that they hear from you.
Basically, children look to belong, to learn, and to contribute in their families and when any of these qualities are missing in their experience, you can expect poor behavior and communication as a result. If you value each of your children for who they are as individuals, if you encourage them each in their giftings without comparing them to one another, and if you give them equal opportunities to learn and to contribute to your family, then I believe that you will have the ingredients for creating best friends at home.
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