End to End

Lamentations 3:22-24; Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not, they are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion says my soul.

Exactly like a dark cloud eclipses the sun a resolute sadness hovered over my head. I felt it as soon as my feet hit the floor. However, I had too many things to do to give into it! Since Mom’s stroke on October 29, 2008, my days were full, my adrenalin level was pump’in from sun up to sun down! I was balancing a full time job as a Clinical Admissions Director for a large rehabilitation company, plus managing my moms care. Both of these things coupled with the normal run-of-the-mill stuff filled my plate to over-flow everyday. BUT I’M BLESSED I REMINDED MYSELF! God is restoring my mom’s mind and health. Everyday I see improvement in her speech, and through HIS grace and mercy I am managing the job He has allowed me to call mine.

I made coffee, felt sad. Let the dog out, made my lunch, mom’s breakfast, and penned a note for mom’s caregiver. Still I felt sad. Then I ran up the stairs, turned the shower on and tears came to my eyes…what is this…push it away…gotta get on with the day! But with every action it was there — a little sadness, deep in my spirit!

I always pray during my commute from Manassas, VA to Washington, DC and it was during that time that the sadness poked me again. I stopped mid prayer, “Excuse me for a minute Lord! WHAT IS THIS SADNESS?” Quietly the Holy Spirit whispered, “Next week is Ruben’s birthday.”

Quickly, tears formed in the corners of my eyes and slid down my cheeks. It always catches me off guard how emotions have a compass of their own, how they can just change the course of your day, nudging their way into your consciousness, causing you to be subliminally aware of dates that were important and had meaning.

Deep breath…let it out slowly…my thoughts rolled back to soft times…touching without talking, hugs, non sexual kisses…Lord, why didn’t you allow us to experience a lifetime together? Why only five years of marriage then death? The answer returned quickly — because you would not be experiencing the relationship you are embracing now! You would not know, much less love this man of God I sent you!

B-A-A-M!

Instantly! I saw through the dark glass clearly…just a glimpse of God’s plan. What I saw as the end of something beautiful, abruptly and without warning, interrupted, God saw as the beginning! Since meeting (we will call him Stan), I have very often felt as if I had been waiting all my life to meet him. A person so down-to-earth, so calm, so caring, so kind that singing birdies fly around his head (just kidding). Stan is a person who loves and honors the Lord openly and without reserve. I noticed that about him on our first date. Now we are a year into our time together and I love that about him.

As usual God showed up and showed out. Revealing to me, once again that HE not only knows what’s best for me. He knows just the right time to add another character to HIS story called my life.