Forgiving Myself
April 1, 2009
by Maria Simone
I had lost my temper with my four-year old daughter again, and I yelled at her. I told myself I wouldn’t let it get to that point, but I did. I saw the hurt look on her face, and I wished I could have taken my words back, but I couldn’t. She was crying and said “Mommy you were so mean”. The pain of knowing that I had hurt my child again sent my mind spiraling in a downward direction, producing thoughts like — “I know God doesn’t make mistakes, but I really think He made a mistake when He made me a mother”, “I’m going to mess my kids up”, “I just can’t do this anymore”. Every one of these thoughts, of course is a lie, but at the time they seemed like the truth. I felt hopeless and cried out to the Lord for help. All that I could say was “help me Jesus”. I called a good friend. She gave me some words of encouragement, and advised me to go to my daughter and tell her that I had made a mistake with how I had treated her, and seek her forgiveness (which I did). At the end of our conversation, she said two words that really hit me – “Forgive yourself”.I am well aware that Jesus has forgiven all my sins, and of His command to forgive others (Matthew 6:14), but I had not thought of this in regard to forgiving myself. I was carrying a heavy load of unforgiveness and self-hatred for my failings as a mother, and the weight was becoming unbearable. So I took my friend’s advice, and forgave myself for not being a perfect mother. Then I heard the Lord ask me to give Him two things — my failures and my fears. First, I gave him all my failures as a mom, trusting Him to make good out of them according to His promise in Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. Second, I gave Him my fear that I will “mess my kids up” through my mothering, the fear that I will fail as their mother and that they will suffer because of it. 2 Timothy 1:7 states that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. If God didn’t give it to me, then I don’t want it, and that includes fear.
The bottom line is this: God knew what He was doing when He made me a mother. He knew the mistakes I would make, and how my mistakes would affect my children. God’s plans for them are good (Jeremiah 29:11). He is able to redeem my mistakes, and He is more than able to conform me into the image of His Son. The Word clearly states there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). The Lord does not condemn me, so I should not condemn myself. Ultimately, God loves me for who I am as His child, not for what I do. He loves me the same whether I’m at my worst or at my best — and this knowledge that I am loved unconditionally is my key to being a better mom.
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