Overcome By the Fellowship of His Suffering

I asked myself, “Why in the world would Paul ask this question? Wasn’t he the one who had received 40 stripes minus one, who had been stoned, beaten with rods, and ship-wrecked three times? (2 Cor. 11:24-27) Hadn’t he already suffered enough? I’m sure with all that he went through he felt severe pain throughout his body, having experienced horrific headaches, backaches, and very deep wounds that left tremendous scars.” Therefore, what struck me was that Paul still wanted to know Jesus in the “fellowship of His sufferings”. My question then was, “if Paul, who had suffered much already for the sake of Christ wanted to know more about the fellowship in suffering, what was I missing in my fellowship with Christ?”

At this time in my life I certainly had to deal with some very hard and trying times with the loss of my mother and sister, but none the less, I felt like I wanted to further understand this “fellowship of His sufferings” as Paul wrote.

The phrase “be careful what you ask for” certainly applies to my now personal understanding of this very daunting passage. I had innocently asked God to show me the meaning of Philippians 3:10, and He did…through 6 ½ years of very painful suffering….physically, and emotionally.

In 1998, I was diagnosed with a disease called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD), a chronic nerve pain disorder. The suffering I experienced with the RSD began with a simple injury to my ankle that did not heal properly. In short, this disease is progressive when not treated properly in the first three months and it involves a severe burning pain, 24 hours a day. The limbs affected can become atrophied, and causes the skin to turn red-hot or ice-cold, with no in-between. Unfortunately, I did not receive proper treatment in the first 6 months, and actually some of the treatments caused the disease to progress so much so that I was using a wheelchair within 9 months of the initial injury. The RSD was then so established that 3 ½ years later I found myself completely home-bound, staring at four walls and only able to walk 20 feet. My feet would get so hot that they would actually blister, or so cold that it felt like I had stuck them in a bucket of ice for over an hour. At times the pain was so excruciating that it was just as much of a mental battle as it was physically. I now had to rely totally on others for help and a wheelchair to get around.

Because of this disease, I understood pain…severe pain. I shed many tears, felt hopeless and helpless. I lost my ability to walk, run, hop, skip, and jump. Being an avid athlete, it shook the very core of my being. I felt shameful and angry for awhile. But this was not all that happened to me.
My dear sweet husband had suffered also. Within the first 6 months of marriage, while I was going through many hospital visits and treatments, he lost his job. Struggling to find anything, he took a job as an art framer and a second job as a waiter. Money came in slower than the medical bills. Gary decided to work full time as a waiter to get more money and left the framing job, but on his last day of work with the framer, we discovered he had a collapsed lung. He was rushed to the hospital. After two surgeries and 8 days in the hospital, with little insurance, we were left with a mountain of bills. It took over 8 weeks for Gary to get back to work.

The storm kept coming. Our house flooded three times because of faulty plumbing, flooding the crawl space once, flooding our neighbor’s yards another, and one that destroyed our bedroom and living room.

We were being hit, over and over again. It felt as if we were in a boxing ring and every time we got up, we got punched down again. Nearly every two weeks something bad, very bad, would happen to us. The next big hit was soon after Gary worked his way up to being the General Manager at the restaurant. Closing the restaurant late one night, he and two managers were robbed at gun point. Twice during the robbery, his life was threatened with a gun pointing at the back of his head. He and the two other managers were bound and tied up; one of them in the cooler of the restaurant. All, miraculously, did not get hurt, and the money stolen was recovered.

Where was God in all of this? He was right next to us the whole time. In fact, it was early on in those years of physical pain with my disease that the Lord showed me the book of Job and led me to read it. I truly felt like we were going through a “Job’s experience”. With so much loss, damage to our house, damage to our bodies, and damage to our wallet….we could relate to Job. It struck me that Job finally stopped asking God “why,” and instead, asked God, “What is it you are trying to teach me.” Therefore I knew that God was trying to teach us something: The fellowship of His suffering.
In each trial that we were faced with, He told me, “I know your pain.” He understood my shame and helplessness as I could not help myself and needed help from others. I would cry when people would have to come over just to wash our dishes, clean our clothes, and even scrub our toilets. When I was out in public I would constantly need assistance with crutches or a wheelchair and felt the stares of people all around me. Jesus understood me. He reminded me that even though He was the Son of God, had healed many people and could have called a legion of angels to help carry his cross, instead, He modeled for us all the acceptance of help, when Simon of Cyrene carried His cross for him through the streets of Jerusalem and up the hill to be crucified. (Matt. 27:32, Mark 15:21, Luke 23:26).

He felt my pain when I had to have shots injected into the bottom of my feet to help treat the RSD. “What was my pain,” I would ask myself on the Dr.’s table as the needle was pressed into my foot, “as compared to when Christ took a nail for me?” My pain was nothing.

He felt my pain when I was embarrassed by how I looked with a shriveled, discolored leg, and bound to a wheelchair. His body was naked and shriveled as he hung on the cross in front of hundreds of strangers. (Luke 23:35)

He felt my pain as I was angry and wanted to lash out at my husband because I was so hurt by the circumstances happening to us, even though it wasn’t his fault either. Jesus, instead of lashing out at others, reached out to the criminal beside him and told him he was forgiven, and that he would be in paradise. (Luke 23:39-43)

Jesus felt my pain when I struggled with how my relatives and those close by me could never understand the emotional pain I was going through and how ashamed I felt compared to my in-laws, who were starting families, and buying their first home. Jesus instead told John, his disciple, to lovingly take care of Mary, Jesus’ mother. (John 19:26-27)

Lastly, Jesus taught me not to compare myself to others around me. When I felt envious that my friends could live a “normal” life and felt sorry for myself that Gary and I had so many difficulties facing us, Jesus gently reminded me of the passage in John when Peter and Jesus were walking along the beach. Peter asked Jesus what was going to happen to John, the beloved disciple and Jesus’ remark was, “If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You follow me” (John 21:20-23). In other words, Jesus was reminding me to just follow him right now, during these tough circumstances and not to look at what was going on in other people’s lives; after all, there lives weren’t perfect either! It was my duty to learn and lean on Jesus and what He had for me and my husband. Once I did this, I was blessed with what He taught me.

By showing me all of these analogies, I understood the “fellowship of His suffering.” Jesus was closer to me than anyone could possibly be, including my husband. This especially took place during the time when I was miraculously healed of the RSD and Peripheral Artery Disease (another disease I was diagnosed with during this six year period). I was beginning to see the rest of the scripture from Philippians 3:10, “the power of His resurrection”. Life was beginning to get back to “normal.” I was walking on my own, cleaning my own house, and even driving and doing errands by myself!

Yet, once again we were hit hard. In 2006, I got pregnant. We lost the baby at 13 weeks, on the day of our 5th wedding anniversary. The miscarriage was very difficult, enduring two D & C’s, drugs I really did not want to take, and various complications for 6 weeks, then to be told I only had a 2% chance of ever becoming pregnant again. Once again, I was hurt beyond what I felt my heart could endure. Still, Jesus was there, because as my heart was breaking, His heart broke too. He has a heart for children, and I clung to the scripture that my child would be there waiting for me one day in heaven. His Word promises it.

It was because of Jesus that I could overcome these trials. It was because of His promise that He would never leave me nor forsake me that I felt strong, even though I was physically weak. He made Himself known to me in such a personal way through all of this, and I am forever grateful, because now I have just a taste of “the fellowship of his suffering,” and I have more of a taste of Him. Because of the “power of His resurrection”, not only am I physically and emotionally healed, but I have a daughter and a son….2% miracle! That is overcoming with God!!! Praise God!