Overcome my thought life and my emotions

The Lord gave me a desire to work with children and I went to college and achieved my goal of getting my elementary teaching license. I got a job at a private, Christian school and very quickly had to prove myself to the parents. They paid a lot of money to send their kids to this school and they expected great things from their child’s teacher.

Halfway through my first year teaching, I began to notice the anxiety in my life was becoming more than I could bear. I had felt anxiety throughout college and student teaching but it peaked at this point in my life. I began to have panic attacks very often. They began to define me.

I went to see a Christian psychiatrist who put me on medication and counseled me on how I get the panic attacks and how I can avoid them. Things became so much easier once I was on the medicine. I do not judge people who need medication for anxiety or depression but I know for me it became something I depended on too much. I remember saying things like “I cannot believe I had to live so much of my life without this stuff. I can think so much clearer now!”

At this point my relationship grew with Craig and through the help of the psychiatrist I began to realize that maybe I could function without the medicine. The psychiatrist gave me a tape by Joyce Meyer. That tape helped me so much. For once in my life I felt like I was not the only one who struggled with these things. I became a partner of her ministry and as a single teacher on a very small salary I began giving $20 a month to her and receiving tapes and CD’s on her teaching. I felt like she was my best friend counseling me. She was so real. She was someone who has been through tremendous struggles in her life and she was willing to share them and also share how she overcame them. That meant so much to me to see her success and be amazed at where she came from.

Craig and I became engaged and he began to talk to me about studying the word more about the power of our words. He gave me a book to read called “Hung by the Tongue”. I began to learn how much power I had through Jesus Christ to speak life not death into myself. I learned that God does not want me to live my life in anxiety and with panic attacks. I found so many verses in the Bible that ministered more to me than ever in my life. Some of my favorite verses became:

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Proverbs 18:21
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

Deuteromomy 30:19
Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

3 John 1:2
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

One day I decided that I did not need the medicine anymore and I stopped taking it cold turkey. Medically speaking, that was not the right decision. I did not care, I knew God was in control and He would take care of me. The first few days were hard but overall it was nothing like what my doctor told me how my body should have reacted. To me, it was a miracle for me and I have never been on any medicine like that again. Even though at times with two little kids I think I may need it again.. HaHa! I am now on God’s medicine….His Word!

Anytime I feel myself getting upset, I quote verses to myself and it helps everytime. I can’t say I never, ever struggle with anxiety but not like I did.

I was blessed to have my first child born healthy and strong but after Liesel was born I had two miscarriages before the Lord blessed me with Caedmon. I remember being in the hospital with one of the miscarriages while the doctor did an ultrasound looking at the baby….and he had to leave the room to call in someone else because they were worried about something they saw. I laid there in fear until I did what I knew to do best, I recited to myself a prayer I had memorized out of a prayer book call “Victory in Jesus”. I felt so much peace at that moment.

I now have 7 pages of scripture verses I say to myself 3 times a week, 2 pages of confessionals for my children, and prayers for “victory in Jesus” and “prayer for my husband.” I have many more I say at various times but these are now my medicine to keep my mind pure and focused on the good things in life and the blessings. I choose blessing in my life. I also love to read and have read so many books over the years that has helped me so much. I love listening to a girlfriend talk about something in her life and being able to recommend a book. It is gift God gave me.

My goal is to start each day expecting God’s favor on me and my family. I also ask God to place someone in my life that I can bless that day whether it is a phone call of encouragement or a note, or even something as simple as a compliment.

I can’t say I do this every day but I am proud of myself that I am striving for living a life that pleases my heavenly Father.

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