Coping with the Competitive Mom – in All of Us

Most of the articles and blog entries were written with an “us versus them” attitude, non-competitive moms versus competitive moms. Trouble was, the more I read the harder it was for me to figure out into which category I fit. Because, let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. We all know at least one mom that brings out the competitive monster in us—sister-in-law, neighbor, friend. No matter how secure we normally are in our mothering abilities, when we get around this woman we have an out-of-body experience. The one-upmanship knows no bounds.

Perhaps as you’re reading this, you’re thinking, “I don’t have trouble with being competitive. Sure, women are often threatened by me, but that’s not my fault.” Honey, sometimes you have to take an honest look at the common denominator in all of your relationships—you. At times, we can’t do anything about the other woman’s attitude, and we are completely innocent of all blame. But more often, we have at least some small role to play. After all, there’s no such thing as a one-woman competition.

So what’s at the root of the competitive games we play with one another? Competition can be a good thing in the right arena, and some might say that women are naturally competitive. We are wired to compete for resources to feed our young, select the best mates etc. Competition is a natural part of a woman’s makeup, the argument goes. But if you’ve ever seen a group of women loving one another and working in unity toward a common goal, and if in contrast you’ve ever had a friendship with another woman slowly deteriorate under the pressure of competition, you know there has to be a better way, a higher way.

At the root of competition lies insecurity, defensiveness…and maybe fear? Think back to a competitive interaction you’ve had with another mom. Was a part of you afraid that she really might be a better mother? That your son would suffer in the future because you didn’t do xyz like she did? Or were you afraid that you would be perceived as a bad mom unless you made sure everyone knew your daughter could pole-vault with the best of them?

Fear motivates us to do and say things out of character, especially when our identity as a good mom is on the line. When we find ourselves falling into a competitive pattern, our first instinct is to lash out or run the other way. Indeed most online posts recommended putting the competitive mom in her place and then avoiding her like the plague. Certainly, in order to have the energy for life, we can limit our exposure to those who sap our strength in pointless competitions. But if we follow common wisdom to the end where do we get? We have hurt feelings, drained emotions and isolation. If you want to feed a mom’s competitive monster, cut her off from healthy relationships with other women and deny her affirmation. Most women confess a deep longing for the exact opposite—a group of women who will love them, support them and accept them warts and all. So what’s the answer?

I John 4:18
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.”

I Peter 4:8
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

When we love one another, not just those who are easy to love or when others are easiest to love but “warts and all,” then competitiveness, defensiveness and fear don’t stand a chance. Love decimates fear because perfect love is not conditional on us being on our best behavior at all times. Perfect love is not based on performance but on grace. Christ extended grace to us. Shouldn’t we then extend it to others when needed?

I know, easy to say, harder to do, but all things are possible in Christ. Extending grace to others is also easier when we feel secure in our identity, based not on how brilliant our children are but on being new creations in Christ.