My salvation was never based on what others said about Jesus. I didn’t even believe the Bible, not really, until after I met Him. I was genuinely surprised at how I saw the scriptures once I knew Him myself. I was shocked at how my perception changed, as if the whole world had gone from dark to light in an instant. For me it had.

Who do I say Jesus is? He is my rescuer and deliverer, my superhero.

I was sitting in a crowd, alone with many people. But I was not a part of them. I couldn’t be. I was something different. I didn’t belong with them, though I longed to. I wanted to be loved. I wanted desperately to be seen. But I was utterly invisible. That day would be my last. I felt a bit of joy with the decision. I was 15.

The man in the front was going on and on. He was irrelevant to me. A preacher in a suit with stupid hair and arrogance so thick I could barely see him through it. On and on, he spoke words that meant something to all those people but not to me.

Suddenly, awkwardly, he stopped talking. He paused for a few moments and looked around the room seriously. He sighed and seemed genuinely concerned. When he spoke he changed my life.

“The Lord has told me someone in the congregation is contemplating suicide,” he said.
I froze. I’d been seen!
“Who is it?” He asked. “Stand up.”
I did not move, not a muscle. But in my heart I was screaming, “Please, God.”
Did God see me?
He waited patiently. When no one stood up he said, “Well, God knows who you are. We’re going to pray for you anyway.”

The place erupted like a volcano. They prayed for God to break the power of the Spirit of Suicide in Jesus’ name. Hymnals scattered the floor, the crazy people spoke in tongues, all the people I was not a part of lifted me up and they did not even know who I was.

I felt it lift. Dead weight, like a wet blanket, pulled up and away in an instant. What I noticed first was the back of the metal chair I was holding onto so tightly. It was cold. I could feel it. It seemed like I hadn’t really felt anything in so long. I wanted to grab a hold of everything. I wanted to run outside and touch the trees. I wanted to scream and force the new air out of my lungs, the air I could feel for the first time in years. And I loved. I loved the woman with the tambourine behind me. I loved the stupid guy with the glasses in front of me. I loved you.

Immediately, I was aware that *El Roi (El raw-EE) “the God who sees” me had a special message for me today. My pulse quickened in anticipation!

The speaker continued, “Often we find ourselves in an ‘unlikable’ space.” That’s an understatement I thought. Humph! I’m in an unlikable space that’s for sure! Not one I would have chosen nor expected nor thought was even likely! But never-the-less, I was in an unexpected, unlikable space! The issue – what was I to learn from it? So I could move on!

I mused as I listened… So far, God had already revealed to me that I am a “Certified Card Carrying Caregiver!” And while that is one of my strengths, it also has become a very definite weakness in my relational life. I have also come to understand that I do not always set safe boundaries for myself and that undoubtedly leads to pain and disappointment.

Knowing these things about me is all so very enlightening! Allowing God to manifest His power through me ~ to make me into the person He has called me to be, causes me joyful angst! Joy, because Ephesians Chapter 1: Promises that God has blessed me with all spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus! Angst, because I’m impatient to grasp what He has for me right now! My soul finds comfort in remembering what Donald Lawrence says on one of his CD’s “God will hold together until I get it together.”

I turned my full attention back to the speaker. I knew something powerful was coming because he prefaced by saying, “I heard Mark Chronna say this years ago, I wrote it down and when the words fade I recopy it.” This is going to be awesome, I thought. He continued…

“In the pursuit of one’s life purpose there strategically occurs a defining moment in the form of a refining crisis…enabling one to be set free from a confining limitation…thus empowering that one to step into greatness!”

Somewhere between starting college and graduating, my whole career focus shifted from making a career out of doing something I love to making money and job security. I started out with the intent of writing and working in the arts for a living. Money was an afterthought. I figured I would just live on whatever amount I would make and it would just work itself out. Then, through many spheres of influence, I began to doubt my dreams, and so hopped from one major to the next until I felt completely “secure” in my career choice. Secure in this sense means it was a very solid career choice, but I was completely insecure about doing something I had never once been interested in pursuing. I went forward anyway, graduating from one of the best nursing schools around, my type A personality telling me not to stop now that I was so close to graduating.

I did graduate top of my nursing class. I worked in nursing for two years, switching jobs once, and at the end of 2008 my body told me I had enough. I started getting chest pains. My blood pressure was stroke level. Migraines were becoming a weekly occurrence. A doctor pulled me out of work for several weeks and had me do a whole battery of tests looking for everything from adrenal tumors to aneurysms. He did find a heart condition that had gone undiagnosed since birth. Normally this heart condition does not cause problems, but my stress hormones were sky high. This was the culprit of all of my symptoms, stress.

After talking with my doctor and my husband, and after a lot of praying, I decided to leave my job and make a fresh start. This was a HUGE leap of faith for me, and I mean huge. I felt like I was jumping off a cliff blind. I had no idea what I was going to do, and I was putting it all in God’s hands. Since leaving my nursing job, I have started back with painting, photography, and writing.

Most importantly, I have had more time to build a stronger relationship with God.I still have no idea what God has in store for my life, but I am excited to live for Him in the meantime. My husband and I have also grown closer since I left my job. We have placed God at the center rather than on the outskirts. And soon we will be leaving for Guatemala for our first foreign mission trip. I have never felt such joy in my life. Don’t get me wrong. Each and every day I am challenged to relinquish control, and sometimes I falter. But that is the beauty of God’s grace. Before all of this I would have never even considered letting go of anything so huge as my job and career. I can only imagine what this could have done for two newlyweds if this continued for much longer. Now, even though I do falter, I at least recognize my faults and give it to God.

When you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders and you are trying to figure out the how; remember to let go and let God!

I grew up in a Christian home but was not fully aware of what the Bible says about our tongues until later on in my Christian walk. My husband, early in our marriage, gave me a book to read called Hung by the Tongue by Francis P. Martin. I highly recommend this book to every believer; especially if they feel they are not fully receiving God’s blessings in their life. The Proverbs verse said that we can choose. What choice does God give us? In Deuteronomy 30:19 God is speaking to the Israelites through Moses saying: “This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.” We all want God’s blessings right?

Before I knew these scriptures, I was a pessimistic person with the mentality of the glass is half empty. Naturally my talk was very negative. How many of us say any of these comments on a weekly basis: “Nothing ever goes my way.” “I am so stupid.” “I am so clumsy.” “This is going to be a bad day.” “I have no luck.” “I am a loser.” From one friend to another, I admit to you that I have said all these things before. I do not want to live a stupid, clumsy, unlucky, bad life. How about you? I started to understand what Proverbs 18:21 really meant. I needed to stop saying these negative things out loud. I also even needed to watch the thoughts that entered my mind. I did not want what I was thinking or saying to happen to me. It was a hard change to make since I lived most of my life speaking that way. Since it was not easy, I turned to scripture. I knew that nothing in the Bible would bring about curses in my life; only blessings.

I went to a website called BibleGateway.com. At this website you can enter key words and search for what the Bible says about that topic. You can also change translations to find one that speaks to you in a personal way. Scriptures began to jump out at me and I typed up pages of scriptures and began to confess them during my devotion time. After a few weeks, these scriptures were stuck in my mind.

When I would feel the desire to say something bad about myself I would stop and say “IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT HEIDI, SPEAK WHAT YOU WANT!” I would then follow it up with a verse that I had memorized.

A good example was “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13. There are so many verses in the Bible that you can use to speak blessings over your life. Even if you only memorize one verse a month or 6 months, it is better to speak that one verse over your life than telling yourself you are a loser.

I promise you that God will begin to bless you and you will live a happier life. Ask for God’s favor on you every day. You will also desire to read His word more because you will see on a much more personal level how it affects you. Women are so hard on themselves. We are our worst critics. I know because I lived that way for years. I still struggle with my speech but I have made a huge change and I am much more optimistic and blessed beyond measure. God wants that for all His children.

I just recently finished a book called The New Spirit-Controlled Woman by Beverly LaHaye. She says that “The Bible tells us to let the Word of God dwell in you richly.

The more a woman has the Word of God in her mind, the easier it is for her to think godly thoughts and to have godly emotions and desires. Just as looking in the mirror each morning is important for good physical grooming, so looking into the mirror of God’s Word is important for daily spiritual grooming.”

What if this happens? What if that happens?

I got up, went into the hotel bathroom, and cried out to the Lord. “Don’t let these things happen!”
I could almost sense his wrinkled expression and a Godly, “Huh?”

For the next couple of days I tried not to think about it, though I was careful to hold onto it tightly and not give it to God. Someone has to worry about these things!

But finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t live like that. So I went into a quiet room and prayed, “Lord, no matter what happens you are in control. So what I pray is that I will know you are in control and I won’t be afraid.”

That’s when the burden lifted.

He is faithful! Since then He has reminded me of His goodness. He has renewed my hope by repeating His promises to me. He has shown me how He has been there in the past, even when I did not know it at the time. He spun me around to show me His perspective.

Instead of promising me nothing will ever happen, He has promised me He is in control of everything that happens and He is with me through it all.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:11)

“Something worse than fear . . . living with regret!” POW! It hit me right in the chest. It wasn’t some profound statement from Confucius or Abraham Lincoln or even Dr. Phil. It wasn’t even an Ah-ha moment brought on by an emotional topic on Oprah. It was a simple quote made by a wise women, friend and Life Coach, Janet Daughtry, but it is a simple sentence that has changed me forever!

A fact about me, that most people do not know, is that I have struggled with fear and anxiety for most of my life. In the past, I have sought the help of counselors, doctors and even prayer partners to help me to try to overcome this one obstacle that I have dealt with for as long as I can remember. I know the feeling of sitting on an airplane, with that nauseous feeling in the pit of your stomach, sweaty palms and racing heart waiting for take-off. I also know the terror of an oncoming panic attack, during which you feel that you can’t get oxygen in or out, your body is tingly and numb all over and you feel like you’re going to die. I’ve experienced it all. I’ve used any means possible to try to alleviate my fears (from therapy to medication), but ONE simple statement has completely changed my view of life AND of the fear I have lived with for so long.

The Lord recently gave me a love for digging into and searching His word. It will not return void, as the scripture says (Isaiah 55:11). I find that as I go deeper, He goes deeper. When I focus my day on praise and studying the Word, in the midst of whatever I am doing, I find a lighter more hopeful me peeking out from behind the piles of laundry and dirty dishes. In my real life, I have real life!
When I fill my day with re-runs, comfort food, and the depressing news on TV, I am easily and quickly rundown. There are distractions everywhere. I am learning I don’t have to give them my attention.

I feel like the Lord is showing me He made me the way I am, and placed me exactly where I am. In any music there are the loud notes, the soft sounds, and the pauses in between. We each have a place in the song.

The second day of my new job I was driving home and decided to stop by the grocery store so that I could prepare a special dinner for my husband when he got home. I had it all planned out. I was so excited when I pulled up in the driveway I barely thought twice about our shed door being wide open. My dogs were barking eagerly as I walked up the back steps, groceries in hand. When I looked up to unlatch our gate it was already open. My eyes rose further still, and that is when I saw the glass all over the back porch. The blood drained from my face. Everything started moving in slow motion. I walked up to the door and saw the hole punched in the window pane. The door was open. My hand pushed the door just wide enough for me to get through. All I could think was, “This isn’t happening. Oh God, please don’t let this be happening!” When I stepped inside, my kitchen was in complete disarray. Drawers were open, pots all over the floor. I walked in the living room not even thinking people could still be in the house.

When I saw the living room my fears were confirmed. We had been robbed. The living room looked like a tornado had gone through it. Couch cushions thrown about. Drawers ripped out. Tables, lamps, pictures all smashed and overturned. I ran out of the house to the neighbors trying to remember what I was supposed to do. “Call my husband. Call the police. Oh God this can’t be happening! How do I fix this?” My mind was racing…

The rest of the evening was a blur of flashing blue lights, police officers, and family. I could hear things going on around me, but it was all muddled as if I was hearing it underwater. I could not go in the house. I could not see my home like that. After everybody left and my husband and I were alone, I looked at him and asked, “How are we going to be able to go on?” I felt like I had been raped, and I just wanted to wash it all off. I just wanted to disappear.

I seriously did not think I would be able to ever move on from this. I already suffered from a predisposition towards depression and anxiety, and this just sent me over the edge. Days went by. I returned to my job. I talked to people at work, family, friends, my husband, a counselor; and yet I felt completely alone. I kept asking God, “Why did you let this happen?” I could not understand what good could possibly come out of this disaster. Have you ever felt like God was not listening to you? Well, I felt God had shunned me and He was punishing me for my past. I was enraged and utterly humiliated. Panic would seep up in me like a serpent that consumed my whole being. I could feel myself getting pulled back into a depression, and that is where I wanted to go. It was easy. It was “justifiable.” But that was not God’s plan.

You see, until then I would have called myself a Christian. I mean, I was saved, and I went to church. But there was one key piece of the puzzle I was missing. Until then I had not been truly walking by faith with God. I was doing what I wanted to do, what I thought I should do. I was not putting into practice His Word. Looking back on all of that now, I see God’s hand at work. No, God did not cause that robbery to happen. You want to know what He did though. Oh, Praise Jesus!! He turned that horrible curse, that nasty mess, into the most beautiful blessing! How? How do we walk with God? How do we fulfill our destiny? Sister’s, we walk by faith. We give it all to Him. I gave Him my anger, my depression, my mess of a life in that aftermath and said, “Lord, I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what to do. But you do, and I give all of me to you!” The blessings rained down! I realized that stuff was just that, stuff. And out of that stuff we were able to become debt-free. Do you want to know what else? The robbers were caught, tried, and convicted. When He rains, He pours!

But God offers the ultimate fear-antidote, even though at first glance it seems like more of the same. Ecclesiastes concludes with this scripture:

“Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter:
FEAR God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.”

Doesn’t set your mind at ease? How could fear itself be a remedy for fear? I love the explanation that author and pastor of the Mosaic church in California, Erwin McManus, gave in a conference I attended last year. To paraphrase, fear determines the boundaries of our lives. If we’re afraid of flying, we only visit places within driving distance. If we have a fear of public places, we stay at home. If we fear death, then we take fewer risks.

Fear also works in reverse. You can tell what a person fears by looking at how they spend their resources, not just money but time and energy too. Do you spend all your time checking the markets? Maybe you fear financial failure. Do you workout tirelessly at the expense of other aspects of your life? Maybe you fear getting fat or aging. If we allow, fear can determine not just what we do but how we do it.

But what does it look like to fear God? When we fear God, then He alone determines the boundaries of our lives. Fearing God means understanding that His ways are not ours, that He is in control despite what news anchors say, understanding that He can work beyond the physical framework set into place for us as human beings. Instead of being reactively driven by circumstances we’re driven by a need to please a God who loves us enough to die for us, a God that scriptures tell us has a good and perfect plan for our lives.

This became a lifelong habit, and as you might expect, led to a weight problem for me. Over the last 20 years, I have gained and lost the same 30 pounds. Back in the Fall of 2008, I remember feeling so hopeless about my weight and had lost all hope of ever losing it and keeping it off for life. There, at the bottom of the valley, is where the Lord met me, restored my hope, and revealed truth to me that would forever change my life. He showed me that I would never keep the extra weight off until I addressed the CAUSE of my over eating. For almost 30 years, I had developed a reflex habit of turning to food whenever I started to feel uncomfortable emotions rising up in me – frustration, loneliness, anger, worthlessness, sadness, hopelessness…and the list goes on. The bottom line is, I didn’t like feeling those negative emotions, and I just wanted to “stuff” them down with food so I wouldn’t have to deal with them.

God shows emotion throughout the Bible, and we are made in His image (Genesis 1:26), and therefore we are also emotional beings. Now the truth is, emotions in themselves are neither good nor bad, and they are given to us by God for a purpose. I once heard someone say that emotions are our warning light to “check under the hood”, as in a car. For years now I’ve been trying to ignore my warning light, hoping it would just go away. Well, we all know that just because we ignore something doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. There are hurts and lies underneath those emotions, and the ONLY way to be free of them is to let them come to the surface (instead of trying to stuff them down with food), and let the Lord reveal what is behind them. Once the wound is exposed, then the Lord can heal it. And once it is healed, it will no longer try to “bob” to the surface like a buoy that keeps coming up no matter how many times you try to push it down under the water.

I read a book over twenty years ago titled “Inside Out”. What I remember most about the book was that I was not ready to turn inside out. I was one year on the other side of a difficult divorce and I already felt wrung out! But, something was urging me to read it. So, I would cuddle up with the book every night, at the end of the day. Taking positive God centered thoughts to bed was my guarantee of a good night sleep!

Somewhere midway in the book I came across this quote, “When does change occur? Change occurs when the fear of the change is equal to the fear”. These words were so profound that they propelled me to get out of bed and write them down. As I copied the words I thought this is so true! In every single aspect of my life, regardless of the issue or circumstance, I did not change my behavior until my discomfort with the situation was acute and painful enough that it forced me to make a change.

Over the years I have reflected on this quote and I have shared it with others and it never fails that when I share it, the person listening will respond, “Say that again, please”. I share it with you now because the phase popped into my head as I was crying on my way home at the end of the day. I had met with a patient and his daughter who were two of the most bitter, unpleasant people I’ve run across in a very long time! They were nasty and had nothing good to say about any aspect of the father’s care. Lord Help! I could hardly wait to leave his room. I have always been able to “pour oil on churning waters” (as the old folks say) but not this time! Work had been difficult for six months. I felt stressed most days no matter how hard I prayed and turned the situation over to God.

It was during the release of tears that God dropped the phrase into my spirit again. Change occurs when the fear of the change is equal to the pain! Tired of the traffic, tired of mean people, sick and tired of being tired! (Pain, pain, pain) THEN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

I spent the next few hours thinking I would start looking for a new job. That’s when the Holy Spirit said, “You don’t need to look for a new job. You need to open your own business”! The more I thought about it the better it sounded and I shared the idea with my family and closest Christian friends.

Now, Consulting for Change, the name of my new business, is more than a dream; it’s about to become a reality! Isn’t that just like God to move us into the next phase or stage of our lives through adversity?