Early in our parenting, I ran across an article detailing how different families handled the world’s materialistic focus of the Christmas holiday with their children. One wise parent explained to their children that Jesus got three presents from the wise men on His birthday, so they would receive three presents when they celebrated Jesus’ birthday on Christmas. This strategy immediately resonated with us and we established this three-gift tradition at Jesus’ birthday as well. In addition, at least one of the three gifts was a gift to share between them so that the focus was not on what “I” got for Christmas, but on what “we” can enjoy together because of Christmas.

Another tradition that we practice is to begin the Christmas season by celebrating the ancient season of Advent, a time of remembrance of Christ’s first coming and the joyful anticipation of His coming again. During Advent (the twenty-four days prior to Christmas), we light a candle on each Sunday and have a daily devotion time focused on the names, identity, and role of Christ in the world. (See Family Celebrations at Christmas by Ann Hibbard or other similar resources.) We also celebrate the Christmas season until January 6th, the twelfth day of Christmas commemorating the visit of the wise men to Jesus (which actually happened two years after His birth).

Another method we use to keep the focus off of the earthly treasures and on the heavenly treasure of Christ is to begin opening gifts prior to the actual day of Christmas or during the twelve days of Christmas after, depending on the ages of the children or our travel plans. We often open gifts from out-of-town relatives during these earlier or later times. Opening gifts slowly over time (and slowly on Christmas morning!) enables the focus of Christmas day not to be on the presents but on Christ, gives young children an opportunity to focus on and enjoy each gift, and keeps the after Christmas let-down from ruining the remainder of Christmas day after all of the boxes have been opened and the wrapping paper thrown away. On Christmas morning we also have a family devotion prior to opening gifts and later on Christmas day we have a birthday cake for Jesus to remember the reason we celebrate the holiday.

If we hope to keep materialism out of our Christmas, it is also something we need to train out of our lives year-round. On a daily basis, we need to be training our children (and ourselves!) to evaluate purchases on the basis of what we need versus what we want. If we set these expectations in our children, they will be all the more blessed by receiving special gifts of what they want at special occasions throughout the year.

So, what do I do? I know that I can’t berate his candidate or even send him unflattering e-mails concerning his decision. I can however make sure that my son has enough credible information to make a choice based on his convictions. I don’t want him to be swayed by me, his girlfriend or the charismatic appeal of a candidate. As a parent, I think sometimes we walk a fine line. We have to let our children mature but also allow them to make some decisions that can make us cringe. We have to know how to give advice without giving orders or turning our kids completely off.

Gratitude leads to contentment and contentment leads to peace. When I am grateful for the abundance of what I already have, I experience contentment and peace instead of anxiety. What good is godliness if it is fraught with anxiety over what to eat, what to drink, or what to wear? “For the pagans run after these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.” (Matthew 6:31-34)

I Timothy 6:6-9 continues this thought: “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction.”

In these financially uncertain times, concerns about tomorrow can become overwhelming. It is critical to remember Who is ultimately providing for all of our needs and to set the example of trust in the Lord for our children. Cultivating grateful hearts starts with our own sense of gratitude before the Lord. Are we remembering His blessings and verbally thanking Him for them in our children’s hearing? Are we encouraging them to be truly grateful for what they have by educating them about the condition of other children around the world? We can also cultivate gratefulness by giving our children an avenue through which to give to those who are less fortunate, either by volunteering as a family at a local outreach or by sponsoring a child through a charitable organization.

Whichever way we choose, teaching our children to be truly thankful for both the blessings and challenges in their lives will set them on course for fulfilling God’s will for their lives. For godliness with contentment is great gain and we give our children a precious gift when we guide them into the way of peace.

We took the 12 hour drive home against terrible traffic (it was the first weekend of college football.) Just getting to his home was a challenge. We were (and still are) bone tired. The fatique of grief seems monumental,a combination of physical and emotional stress.

My eight year old daughter, Maggie, took his death particularly hard. Maggie is a very passionate child. She is loyal, affectionate and always seems to experience things on a deeper level. She was heartbroken and I found her in her room often, her body racked with sobs. For Maggie the standard answers just don’t work. For her, she has to understand it in her own way as I feel we all eventually do. Death is much more complicated than the pat answers we tend to give. To me, these can sound good when you are saying them to others but don’t seem to ease the heart when you yourself are involved.

Having lost everyone in my biological family I am all too aware that there are no easy answers. Sometimes we just need a hug or someone to let us cry. To let us miss the person we lost, to let us grieve.

Essentially, we trust those whose characters are faithful. We teach our children to trust us by being a person of our word. The adage, “do what I say, not what I do”, does not apply to the godly parenting of children. In addition, doing what we say we’re going to do is critical to teaching our children to be people of their word as well. The example of what we do makes a lasting impression on our children, for most of life in the home is caught, as well as taught. If we make a commitment to our child and are unable to keep it, we must acknowledge our failure openly, apologize, and ask our child for forgiveness. Too often, I believe that parents capriciously change their minds without taking into account how such decisions will break trust with their child. Parents taking responsibility for their unfulfilled promise is critical to a child’s understanding of God’s faithfulness. If they can’t learn to trust us at our word, how will they learn to trust God at His Word?

Another area of trust that is too casually handled by parents is the concept of imaginary characters of childhood, e.g., Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. While I know that this challenge will be unpopular with some, I would like to consider the long-term implications of encouraging belief in these mythical figures on a child’s belief in God. If we lead our children to believe that these figures are real persons and go to great lengths to sustain those beliefs – just as we do in training their belief in God – we break trust with our children when they find that these characters are fictitious. Consequently, they will also doubt their belief in God on some level since there is no distinction in their young minds between the concept of an unseen character who gives them good gifts they can see or an unseen God who gives them good gifts that they often can’t see (unlike presents or candy or money!).

Whether we like it or not, we are a reflection of God’s character to our children. The highest compliment paid to a parent is when a child says that they learned who God is from what they saw in their parent. In order to reflect His character, we need to know His character. Being a parent of the Word is critical to know how to reflect His character to our children. It is also helpful to have children memorize scripture that deals with the character of God so that the truth of His attributes are hidden in their hearts and available to their minds when the enemy tempts them to doubt God’s character and, consequently, their trust in Him. Psalm 103 is a great place to start for it not only clarifies God’s attributes, but also it clarifies His understanding of who we are before Him.

We also need to reinforce the truths of God’s word with practical experience of God’s faithfulness in our lives as families and in our children’s lives as individuals. Training our children to go to God in prayer for the provision of needs, the resolution of conflicts with friends, or the solution to difficulties in school is a great way to teach the practical faithfulness of God. As parents, we need to be on the lookout for opportunities for God to show His faithfulness in our children’s lives, to encourage them to pray, and to remind them of the answer to prayer once it comes. Keeping a family prayer journal is a helpful way to keep track of these requests. Reviewing the journal periodically reinforces the faithfulness of God in a child’s mind.

It is important to note that a biblical worldview differs from a western Christian worldview. While a western Christian worldview is culturally-bound and rooted in religious tradition, a biblical worldview is rooted in the truths of the Word of God that apply across culture and time. For example, a western Christian worldview of the church’s role is to save souls, live a blessed life, and enjoy heaven’s rewards. The Bible paints a much more active role for the church, that of reclaiming the territory stolen by the devil and of actively engaging the forces of evil in this world for God’s glory. In the words of a seasoned saint, the first worldview paints the picture of the church as a cruise ship and the other as that of a battleship. It’s also the difference between living with a peace-time mentality or with a war-time mentality. The choices we make reflect what we really believe about God and our role in His world.

In addition, our children’s worldview also needs to be a true “world – view”. While the United States is a wonderful place to live, there’s a much larger world beyond our borders that the Bible calls us to engage in prayer and other mission effort. Our children need to understand this larger calling on their lives in order not to become bored with a cruise ship existence and seek excitement elsewhere. Living for God’s purposes can be incredibly exciting if we seek to live out God’s call to defeat our spiritual enemy and plunder his spoils!

So, how do we teach this biblical worldview to our children? We must first understand it ourselves. What is our own view of the world around us, our concept of God, and our role in His story? Our own worldview needs to be aligned with that of scripture before we can teach it to our children. Secondly, we can make our children more aware of the world around us – its people and its needs. Window on the World, the children’s version of Operation World, is a great place to start. You can also request Kids of Courage or visit their website to inspire your children to live for something larger than themselves. Finally, pray that your children would see the world through God’s eyes and that He would use your children for His purposes in their generation. It’s a prayer that God desires to hear and that He will answer!

Best Friends at Home

by Beverly Mueffelmann

When our children were very young, my husband’s aunt, uncle, and cousins came to visit our home outside Washington, DC. My husband’s cousins, an older sister and a younger brother, are significantly younger than he, so these children were in their teens at the time when we were in our late twenties. As we visited, we were very impressed with the fact that there seemed to be none of the standard sibling issues between them. In fact, they seemed to be very good friends despite being teenaged siblings of opposite gender and having just made a cross-country trip from Colorado in an unairconditioned car in the summer!

Basically, children look to belong, to learn, and to contribute in their families and when any of these qualities are missing in their experience, you can expect poor behavior and communication as a result. If you value each of your children for who they are as individuals, if you encourage them each in their giftings without comparing them to one another, and if you give them equal opportunities to learn and to contribute to your family, then I believe that you will have the ingredients for creating best friends at home.

Staying the Course – The Pre-teen Years

by Bev Mueffelmann

Over the last few months, we have explored how our beliefs as parents form the basis of our actions toward our children. We have also explored how to tame negativity both in our toddlers and in ourselves as we have sought to set positive expectations as the basis of our parenting relationships. As we have discovered that the principles for parenting in early childhood years are an extension of the toddler and preschool years, so the principles for the pre-teen years are a continuation of the same with bigger price tags of consequence and responsibility.

Increasing responsibility in the area of chores around the house continues to be a great training tool for older children. Tasks such as dusting, cleaning bathrooms, helping with the laundry, lawn-mowing, and doing the dinner dishes are opportunities for our children to contribute to the family’s general well-being. The completion of these tasks is basic to a well-functioning household and should be viewed as a child’s responsibility as part of the family. These tasks need not be compensated with an “allowance”. The concept of an allowance can be introduced, but as a benefit of sharing in the family’s financial blessings from the Lord just as we share in the responsibility to keep the household functioning well. As the child matures, other opportunities for earning money around the house can be created through special projects or needs that arise that require special effort.

As children mature, they also need to be given more freedom and opportunity to think through and make more of their own choices under parental guidance. To train wise decision-making, we can ask “What do you think you should do in this situation?” As our children grow into older teenagers, the question becomes “What will you do in this situation?” These types of questions provide the opportunity to hear the child’s reasoning process and to gently direct it toward a wise decision if one is not presented by the child. Too often we underestimate our children’s ability to reason and make a good decision if given enough time and space to reflect. This approach also communicates that we value our child’s thoughts and respect his ability to make good choices.

Additionally, while chores and choices change with growth in age, so should our forms of correction. While a young child will experience time-outs or corporal punishment, an older child will benefit much more from experiencing the natural or logical consequences of their behavior — another skill that will be essential to good decision making later on. Natural consequences are the expected results of choices like burning your hand if you touch a hot object or getting a traffic ticket if you speed. Logical consequences are those that must be created in relation to the misbehavior or offense, but have some basis in the action. For example, when our daughters were preteens and were having trouble getting themselves off to bed one night, my husband told them that he would be setting their alarm clocks to go off in the morning fifteen minutes earlier than normal since they didn’t seem to need their sleep. Their mouths hung open and they replied, “Wow, that was a good one, Dad!” and proceeded to bed.

Another important habit to establish in the preteen years is family time. Life provides enough opportunities for our families to be separated and disjointed. As parents, we need to establish regular times for our families to share together — Friday night game and movie nights, ice cream nights, etc. Spending “be” time together, as well as chore or project time, solidifies relationships and will increase our children’s desire to be together as a family instead of choosing negative peer relationships later in their teen years. These times together also help build positive sibling relationships. Next time we’ll explore how to encourage good sibling relationships and to maintain a peaceful household.

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