The Message Bible says in Matthew, chapter 5; “You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You are blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You are blessed when you are content with just who you are – no more, no less.”

Loss, of a relationship, although not an actual physical death still constitutes a loss and has a way of pulling us inward. After the initial shock subsided I looked inside the me, that is me. And I found, I have a history of allowing unsafe people in my life~ especially romantic relationships. A look back into my journals and my memory, revealed that I have become very savvy and discerning with the female friendships and the platonic male relationships; but, not so wise with the “tall, dark and handsome men” who waltz through my life!

I believe I am what the sociologists call a “head knocker.” We are resilient folks who go through life taking the bumps and knocks, fall down, get back up, dust off and start all over again. Well not this time! I knew that this time had to be different!

I got on my knees and I asked God to heal me and my wounded spirit. Jeremiah 30:17 says I will give you back your health and heal your wounds. We know that confession of sin is necessary for salvation when I submit that confession of weaknesses and is also necessary for healing.

The book From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy J. Groom, states that in order for us to move from bondage (what ever that happens to be for any person) confession is essential to the healing process. Releasing through confession the hurt, pain and shame is the first step. Confession is a cleansing and release of the stuff that hurts us, binds us and prevents us from growth and contentment in healthy relationships.

Please allow me to be totally honest and truly transparent. I never realized that my emotions were wounded when I was an itty-bitty girl! Only through the time I spent on my knees confessing my need for healing did God reveal to me the origin of my wounding.

Both my parents worked very hard. They were decent good folk, trying to make a living in the early 1950’s. They each brought to the marriage their own wounded spirits coupled with the pressures of the day…I remember our house being volatile at times!

My dear sweet grandmother offered to keep me throughout the week so they could work out some of their issues. She also thought I would be less affected by their arguments if I was with her.

As I prayed, God please heal me…I saw myself as a little girl in my grandmothers’ house waiting for my Daddy and Mommy to pick me up. They don’t they like me, I thought. They couldn’t love me since they only want to see on Saturday and Sunday…

A sob escaped my throat and tears flowed like water from a well; as I remembered how I felt as I waited for them. I was always excited when Saturday rolled around! I could hardly wait for them to come. And, as the sun set and the sky became dark my little heart would begin to sink – thinking they are not coming! They don’t love me!

As the tears continued to flow and the sobs subsided I felt a release in my spirit…a letting go! I praised God for the remembrance and the healing I was beginning to feel.

Clearly I see that what my parents and grandmother thought was for my good was not understood by me. I was too young to understand their absence. I thought they didn’t love me. Of course they did! They were just trying to do what they thought was best for me!

In order to spend more time with them I purposed to be the perfect little girl. If I’m perfect, I thought, surely they will love me, and let me stay with them always! What I did not realize was that I carried this “perfection” into my adult years. Always, loving, always caring, giving my very best and often receiving nothing in return!

A life changing revelation brought to light by a simple confession through prayer. Something that I had completely forgotten about God revealed to me because I asked for healing…I will heal your wounded spirit.

So my dear sisters in Christ, do you need healing? Does your soul long to be freed from repetitious acts that cause you pain? God can and will heal your wounded soul. Simply ask him.

Prayer,

Lord, God, almighty, we all came into this world because you ordained the time and the purpose for our birth. We purpose to be women of wisdom. We pray to be in your will and be useful in your kingdom. We need healing to be whole. Please open the heart and mind of the reader to ask for healing. I plead the blood of Jesus over the lives of everyone who reads this piece; that they will allow you Father, to heal them today.

Immediately, I was aware that *El Roi (El raw-EE) “the God who sees” me had a special message for me today. My pulse quickened in anticipation!

The speaker continued, “Often we find ourselves in an ‘unlikable’ space.” That’s an understatement I thought. Humph! I’m in an unlikable space that’s for sure! Not one I would have chosen nor expected nor thought was even likely! But never-the-less, I was in an unexpected, unlikable space! The issue – what was I to learn from it? So I could move on!

I mused as I listened… So far, God had already revealed to me that I am a “Certified Card Carrying Caregiver!” And while that is one of my strengths, it also has become a very definite weakness in my relational life. I have also come to understand that I do not always set safe boundaries for myself and that undoubtedly leads to pain and disappointment.

Knowing these things about me is all so very enlightening! Allowing God to manifest His power through me ~ to make me into the person He has called me to be, causes me joyful angst! Joy, because Ephesians Chapter 1: Promises that God has blessed me with all spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus! Angst, because I’m impatient to grasp what He has for me right now! My soul finds comfort in remembering what Donald Lawrence says on one of his CD’s “God will hold together until I get it together.”

I turned my full attention back to the speaker. I knew something powerful was coming because he prefaced by saying, “I heard Mark Chronna say this years ago, I wrote it down and when the words fade I recopy it.” This is going to be awesome, I thought. He continued…

“In the pursuit of one’s life purpose there strategically occurs a defining moment in the form of a refining crisis…enabling one to be set free from a confining limitation…thus empowering that one to step into greatness!”

I could not speak. My breath caught in my throat. The voice on the other end said, “Are you alright?” I muttered, “I will call you back.”

My thoughts were adrift in rapid movement of my dad, his life as I knew it and our 59 year relationship.

I know that more than once I have heard or been told that the basis of all male relationships a girl has is predicated upon the relationship she was afforded with the first man in her life – her father. I will not venture into the how it can benefit or hinder our future love relationships. I will however, share with you a birds-eye view of my relationship with my own father. (I read the following as a tribute to him on his “home going day.”)

The first man I ever loved was my Daddy.
(God tells us in His word to love and protect our children and my daddy did just that.)

He taught me how to dance by stepping on his feet when I was small. I would hold on tight and we would twirl and slide around the kitchen floor. When we were out and I would tire from walking – he would carry me on his back and I would put my arms tightly around his neck and kiss him on the back of his bald head as he carried me piggy-back down the street.

As I grew, he taught me how to ride a bike, change the oil in a car, drive a boat, tie nautical knots, and paint primer on a car. It did not matter what we did, just as long as I was with him.

OH, LIFE WAS EASY THEN LIKE SOFT SWEET BUTTER ON HOMEMADE BREAD.

In the summers we would spend Sundays after church on the Kanawha and Coal rivers. We would dock on sandy beaches and talk to other boaters, eat the chicken mom had fried, drink some pop and just before the sunset we would head home.

He was a man of few words, HE NEVER SPANKED ME- He’d simply say “NORA ANN” … and I would listen.

AND LIFE WAS EASY THEN LIKE SOFT SWEET BUTTER ON HOMEMADE BREAD.

I was proud of my daddy and he was proud of me.

When I made some decisions that changed the road I’d intended to travel…

And life wasn’t so easy anymore,

He was there to love and support me. And he never said “I told you so”.
He always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be!

He never presumed.
He always persevered…even when he fell off a ladder cleaning leaves out of the gutters…fractured some ribs and later was found to have a clot on his brain sustained in the fall – he preserved!

Even when he learned that a tire rolls down a driveway faster than people; and he ended up in the hospital – with a 3 fractured vertebrae in his cervical neck and shards of glass around his eyes from his broken glasses that didn’t penetrate his eyes (God was merciful) and Dad persevered!

He was strong, determined, kind, gentle and sweet in a salty way! And he planted the same seeds in me!

I PRAISE GOD FOR THE MAN WHO LOVED ME, PROVIDED WELL FOR ME – and helped to shape me into the woman I am today.

HE WAS MY DADDY…THE FIRST MAN I EVER LOVED.
(End of tribute)

Jesus walked my daddy into heaven on June 10, 2009 at 10 AM.

I am always awed at God’s faithfulness! Around 9 am that morning I asked God to take my daddy’s hand and walk him comfortably and without fear into heaven. As I prayed that prayer – a vision of dad and Jesus walking hand-in-hand popped into my mind. Dad had a hospital gown on with the split in the back – and I chuckled at the vision and felt peace. The message came two hours later and I was reminded of the prayer and the vision!

Now, he’s free from pain and free from worry and it gives me great joy to know that he is worshipping at the feet of the Savior.

Father God, creator of all life, thank you for the life of William Alexander Smith. Thank you that you picked him to be my daddy but most of all thank you that he living in eternity just as you promised to those who believe that you are Our Creator, Savior and Redeemer!

My heart is comforted by God’s promises in MATTHEW 5:4.

BLESSED ARE THOES THAT MOURN FOR THEY WILL BE COMFORTED.
AND IN ISAIAH 61: THAT THOSE THAT MOURN WILL BE PLANTED LIKE MIGHTY OAKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS FOR HIS GLORY. He will care for all their needs and give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes. (Adapted from the Message Bible.)

Adding insult to injury, Stan and I were both busy and had not seen one another for a few weeks. Mom’s caregiver had a family emergency and I was dealing with stand in caregivers. They were nice and competent but they were new and different. Even my normal support systems were lacking! I was not feeling love nor was I feeling lovely. “A smoldering wick he will not blow out and a broken reed he will not break” flashed across my mind and left peace for a moment.

“LORD, TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY in this situation!” Instantly, I remembered a piece I had written for a couple who were getting married. They didn’t want the traditional readings so I paraphrased the Love chapter: 1 Corinthians 13. I thought back to the reading. Love is the fruit of the Holy Spirit produced in our life as we yield to God. It is God’s will that we love for without love nothing else matters.

Because of love, God expects us to be loyal and to believe in one another, to always expect the best no matter what, and to always stand firm and defend one another. This gives new meaning to the phrase “have got your back, Baby!” Jealously, envy, pride, selfishness and being rude are not a part of God’s design for marriage.

Patience, kindness and love are what God expects us to show to others. He sees our hearts and knows our minds. We must love others first and not wait for others to love us because God’s greatest gift is love.

Okay God, I wrote that and I believe that. Please help me apply your word to my wounded spirit. I continued with the day allowing the words I had written a few weeks ago to seep into my mind with each sting I felt from the continuing hail storm.

Later that evening, after I tucked Mom in for the night and the quiet of the house settled all around me, I began to cry. I slipped to my knees, simply out of submission and humility, because I was truly at the end of my robe and did not have the strength to tie a knot to hold on to. It was in that space of time that God revealed to me that loving unconditionally applied first to all human relationships. Then, if and when we got that right, we could carry that into the marriage relationship. If I could allow the love of Jesus to fill my heart, mind and soul then love would carry me through. When love prevails first and foremost all of Satan’s attempts to destroy us and our relationship with Christ fail! It’s not about me and what I think I need. It’s about my ability to demonstrate Gods’ real love.

Even as I realized that Rick was out of my league, I wondered, “Why not me?” With the popular people like Rick, I never seemed to measure up. Then, one night I was watching the news with my parents on our little TV with no cable, each blurred image doubling as lines passed over Dan Rather’s face. And there was Nancy Kerrigan with tears running down her aquiline nose as she clutched the leg that had just been brutalized by a masked stranger. Then images of Tanya Harding, chin jutting defiantly as lights flashed in her too blond hair. Reporters peppering her with questions about hiring a thug to knock Nancy out of the 1994 Olympics. Clips of promising young Nancy moving over the ice as if she were born with skates strapped to her ankles. Effortless. And Tanya, powerful, but square and squat as she muscled over the ice, moving with a determination that made me think she had fought tooth and nail to earn the right to be there.

And in the hard, determined set of Tanya’s jaw, I recognized myself, or myself as I thought others might see me. I saw a girl who didn’t come from a “good” family or have money, a girl who didn’t belong. I saw a girl who wasn’t born knowing the social rules others seemed to sense innately. I recognized the toughness born from scrapping and working just as hard as everyone else only to be passed over for the same girls again and again.

That sense of not being good enough followed me into college and my early twenties. I worked harder and longer than those around me, trying to prove myself. On the surface, I succeeded at life, but underneath I was exhausted. I lived under a sense that I had tried my best and still come up short. Eventually I came to the point where I had two choices: either get out the crowbar and start taking other people down a notch or question everything I ever believed about myself, about life, about what I wanted and who I was and who God is.

Lamentations 3:22-24; Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not, they are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion says my soul.

Exactly like a dark cloud eclipses the sun a resolute sadness hovered over my head. I felt it as soon as my feet hit the floor. However, I had too many things to do to give into it! Since Mom’s stroke on October 29, 2008, my days were full, my adrenalin level was pump’in from sun up to sun down! I was balancing a full time job as a Clinical Admissions Director for a large rehabilitation company, plus managing my moms care. Both of these things coupled with the normal run-of-the-mill stuff filled my plate to over-flow everyday. BUT I’M BLESSED I REMINDED MYSELF! God is restoring my mom’s mind and health. Everyday I see improvement in her speech, and through HIS grace and mercy I am managing the job He has allowed me to call mine.

I made coffee, felt sad. Let the dog out, made my lunch, mom’s breakfast, and penned a note for mom’s caregiver. Still I felt sad. Then I ran up the stairs, turned the shower on and tears came to my eyes…what is this…push it away…gotta get on with the day! But with every action it was there — a little sadness, deep in my spirit!

I always pray during my commute from Manassas, VA to Washington, DC and it was during that time that the sadness poked me again. I stopped mid prayer, “Excuse me for a minute Lord! WHAT IS THIS SADNESS?” Quietly the Holy Spirit whispered, “Next week is Ruben’s birthday.”

Quickly, tears formed in the corners of my eyes and slid down my cheeks. It always catches me off guard how emotions have a compass of their own, how they can just change the course of your day, nudging their way into your consciousness, causing you to be subliminally aware of dates that were important and had meaning.

Deep breath…let it out slowly…my thoughts rolled back to soft times…touching without talking, hugs, non sexual kisses…Lord, why didn’t you allow us to experience a lifetime together? Why only five years of marriage then death? The answer returned quickly — because you would not be experiencing the relationship you are embracing now! You would not know, much less love this man of God I sent you!

B-A-A-M!

Instantly! I saw through the dark glass clearly…just a glimpse of God’s plan. What I saw as the end of something beautiful, abruptly and without warning, interrupted, God saw as the beginning! Since meeting (we will call him Stan), I have very often felt as if I had been waiting all my life to meet him. A person so down-to-earth, so calm, so caring, so kind that singing birdies fly around his head (just kidding). Stan is a person who loves and honors the Lord openly and without reserve. I noticed that about him on our first date. Now we are a year into our time together and I love that about him.

As usual God showed up and showed out. Revealing to me, once again that HE not only knows what’s best for me. He knows just the right time to add another character to HIS story called my life.

God made us to need each other. Divinely appointed friends are those who both sharpen us and help us succeed through wise counsel. Proverbs 27:17 says “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another”. The Lord puts different people in our lives to “sharpen” us, to refine us. There are times that this sharpening can hurt a little, or a lot. But a friend understands when they need to speak the truth in love, even though it may be painful for us, because it will be for our greater good in the end. Proverbs 15:22 states “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many counselors bring success”. There are times when I think I know the path I should take in a situation, but I have learned the importance of first praying about it, and then asking for wise counsel from trusted friends.

Thank you Jesus for this wonderful friend who loves me enough to tell me what You know I need to hear. She’s not just concerned with my comfort, she wants me to experience the fullness of Your good plans for my life. Bless her today Lord, and return to her many fold all that she has given to me.

Authentic: (ə-then-tik) noun – 3. Not false or imitation; 5. True to one’s own personality, spirit, or character

For the past several days I have been reflecting on authenticity – who I am vs. who people think I am. It’s an interesting question! I received a magazine, from a friend of mine, this week that included an interview with Darla Rakes, the Lead Pastor’s wife at Winston-Salem First Assembly. In this interview she talked about being authentic, parts of which struck a chord within me. One question asked was:

“Why do you think so many people, even church people, are afraid to be authentic and real?”
She answered, “They are afraid that if people know who they really are, then they won’t be accepted and won’t be loved. So, as Christians, they think they have to be perfect, instead of real and struggling.”

I can identify with this feeling greatly. Growing up in a pastor’s home, I learned early on the difference between the face I put on around people vs. how I truly felt inside. I learned that “appearance” was more important to people than reality (how many times did I hear “abstain from all APPEARANCE of evil”?) As I’ve gotten older I have struggled with how I feel and being honest with others about those feelings. It has been difficult to cultivate true relationships with people, based on my authentic self, out of fear of being “found out.” It is still a daily struggle to allow others access to the REAL me without the worry of whether or not I will be accepted or judged by them. Maybe a lot of that anxiety comes from the inner struggles that I face or from feeling NOT good enough. I’m not sure. What I do know is that there are days that I feel like the worst wife, mother and friend that walks the earth and other, probably fewer, days that I feel on top of the world. But, do I share those negative thoughts and feelings with those around me? Probably not on most days!

As Christians, I feel we have a responsibility to those around us, even to each other, to show who we really are. I think it is up to us to show the world that as Christ-followers, we are not perfect…only forgiven. And it’s only by God’s grace and mercy that we will stand before Him as righteous. How can we help each other on this journey we call life, if we don’t even know who the other truly is. How can we be uplifting and encouraging to others if we don’t know there is a need there?

In speaking to the Gentile Christians in Romans 11:16, Paul says “For if the first fruit is holy, the lump is also holy: and if the root is holy, so are the branches.” Christ became the first fruit so that we might become partakers of all that our Father has for us. The very holiness of the Almighty God, the very nature of the great I AM planted within His bride. Jesus reminds us that we can only have the nature of the Father if we abide—to dwell, to remain, to sit, tarry—in Him.

In the busyness of our lives, we often neglect the most important thing. Jesus was never too busy to spend time with the Father. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to walk so closely with God that your thoughts would become His thoughts, your will would become His will?

This one thing I know, God wants us to abide in Him. There is no TRUE life for His children outside the root of Jesus Christ. The world offers all kinds of counterfeit “life” that gives a false sense of satisfaction and contentment for a brief time; but the Holy Spirit dwelling within the children of God will always move us back to a place of longing and searching for the true life that can only be found by abiding in Christ.

I pray that you are learning to abide—to dwell, remain, sit, tarry—in Jesus Christ. It is the abiding in the root, the taking on the nature of Christ Himself, that produces holiness within the branches. Let us be “rooted and grounded” in the Lord Jesus, our coming Bridegroom.

Even so, come Lord Jesus, come.

Layers

by Sharon Boling

Who likes chocolate? February is certainly the month for it with Valentines Day right in the middle. Picture in your mind some very special chocolates; maybe a whole box with different flavors that entice your taste buds. Maybe they come in a heart shaped box wrapped in cellophane, and maybe even individually wrapped inside the box. These chocolates are some of the best and you can’t wait to eat them. The only thing that stands in the way of you and the chocolates is layers. Layers of plastic, cardboard, and then maybe even more plastic. These layers are important; they help protect the chocolate.

God loves you; he wants your whole heart, not just a piece. Let God remove the layers so you can have an intimate relationship with Him!

Beyond the Imagined and Unimagined Possibilities of Our Heart

by Genel Webb

When I became a Believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, one of the first scriptures that the Lord really opened up to me was I Corinthians 2:9. It says that “…Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.” I learned this particular scripture early on in my walk, not intentionally, but because I read it so much. I just thought that it provided such hope. At some point, I read the scripture in Ephesians 3:20. “Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us.” I think that these scriptures provide such encouragement. They continue to sustain my hopefulness.

Hopes, Dreams and Expectations

by Nora Neal-Dagett

There was a point in my life that I was sure I didn’t want to be in a relationship again, much less ever be married, again. After all I had been married for 21 years divorced for 11, married for 5 years and widowed – quite an accomplishment for a woman of 58 years. And to my way of thinking that’s quite enough pain for one woman to bear, right?

And we know that all that happens to us is working for our good if we love God and are fitting into his plans. Romans 8:28 Living Bible.

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